Yes, it's true. I'm going to this one this early. Does not bode well for the next 362 days.
This movie is a pile of crap.
Please explain to me how a 1994 Mac Powerbook can not only interface with a centuries-advanced computer system, but download a virus, no less, that crashes said centuries-advanced computer system into the boot-up screen of a Commodore 64 or, possibly, a Vectrex gaming system. Go ahead. I dare you.
As soon as someone does this for me, I will write a well-thought out review of this piece of dog crap. I will not hold my breath, because if I did, I would die.
Thank you, and good-night.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Avatar : Dir: James Cameron (2009)
Ok, so this is gonna be a quick one, due to a few factors:
1) My beloved Syracuse University OrangeMAN (that's right, Daryll Gross - OrangeMEN) lost their first game of the season today to an inferior team at home. Hulk Smash!
2) It's 2 degrees outside.
3) My female cat's in heat and trying to piss everywhere, so let's just say there's a quarantine in place in my house right now, and she ain't happy.
So with that in mind, here's my paragraph on the cartoon AVATAR. Oh, wait, it's not a cartoon? Could have fooled me.
Yes, it's pretty. Yes, the forest scenes are stunning, and some of the figure and face CG effects - in particular the Sigourney Weaver avatar - are breathtaking. Too bad the two main characters that you see on-screen the majority of the film - paraplegic Sully (Sam Worthington) and Pocahontas - err, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, SO hot as Uhura in J.J. Abrams stellar relaunch of STAR TREK that my dear gay friend Lee Regnitto has taken notice of her) are not done by the same animator.
It's not that the film is bad, per se. It's just not very good. I know James Cameron isn't exactly the action/sci-fi version of Orson Welles, but ALIENS, the TERMINATOR films, and even THE ABYSS (all of which he borrows from here and there in this film - especially with upgrading Ripley's classic loader armor from ALIENS into its obvious evolutionary step) - all had strong central characters with believable motivations. This one? I'm sorry, but I just don't care about these cartoon characters losing their big tree. And not only did Cameron cherry-pick his own films, but RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE EMERALD FOREST, and even a little bit of the pro-ecology rhetoric from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.
I've read that Sam Worthington, who plays the lead in the film (sort of ), is poised to be the next big action star. I've seen him in two big budget films now - this and TERMINATOR: SALVATION - and the verdict? Meh. He's not bad by any means, but the script for SALVATION was so bad that not even the always-dependable Christian "the mom puncher" Bale couldn't do anything with it. And here, when he's actually in the film, he's ok, but HE'S NOT IN IT! 75% of the movie, he's basically voice acting. Maybe he'll have better material to work with in the upcoming remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS (Liam Neesan says "Release the Kraken"? I'm there!), but somehow I doubt it. The only actor that comes of as remotely memorable is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quaritch, so at least you have a good villain. Lang is one of those actors that causes you to sit there through the entirety of the film saying, "Who is that guy? What have I seen him in?" He's been in a million films and is an accomplished stage actor, but when I finally IMDB'd him , I realized Lang played Maj. Gen. George Pickett in the outstanding - and 4 hour long - GETTYSBURG. Every July 4th, my dad and I settle into my parent's air-conditioned house, brew some coffee, and watch THE WHOLE MOVIE. It's a brilliant film, and I will be reviewing it (no doubt on July 4th, duh).
There's also a Giovanni Ribisi sighting - remember him? He was so damn memorable in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, was well-cast in the modest BOILER ROOM, had memorable moments in COLD MOUNTAIN, LOST IN TRANSLATION (both very good films), and FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (NOT a very good film, but great cast), and then, like Keyser Soze, *poof*, he's gone. He really isn't very good in this film, nor is the dude-in-chick's-flesh Michelle Rodriguez, and poor Wes Studi, so great in films like LAST OF THE MOHICANS, HEAT, and his hilarious (and terribly mysterious) take as The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN (I swear, when he says "You must lash out with every limb like the octopus that plays the drums", I shit my pants with laughter) is underused.
Anyway, bottom line: It's just...ok. It's a pretty video game with very little story, no interesting or relatable characters or actors, and a hammer-you-over-the-head ecological message of the big bad Empire destroying all things beautiful in the name of corporate greed - sorry, for me, it's just big, dumb noise. I know, I know - sometimes, big dumb noise is what you go to a movie to see, and sometimes, I do to. Hey, I like REIGN OF FIRE and John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, ok? I'm ok with big and dumb. I just don't care too much for big and dumb pretending to be big and smart. And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Cartoon people shooting at other cartoon people.
-A big honkin' Ewok tree getting pummeled into oblivion.
-Corporate greed VS. the little man OR The Empire VS. The Ewoks OR cowboys VS. Indians...take your pick
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Michelle Rodriguez's penis, but I tell you, IT'S THERE.
-Wes Studi and CCH Pounder in the flesh.
-Giovanni Ribisi acting like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOuEztXFhL4
...simply painful. Mr. Ribisi did not listen to Lincoln Osiris's advice: NEVER go full retard.
Final grade: C (is for cookie)
1) My beloved Syracuse University OrangeMAN (that's right, Daryll Gross - OrangeMEN) lost their first game of the season today to an inferior team at home. Hulk Smash!
2) It's 2 degrees outside.
3) My female cat's in heat and trying to piss everywhere, so let's just say there's a quarantine in place in my house right now, and she ain't happy.
So with that in mind, here's my paragraph on the cartoon AVATAR. Oh, wait, it's not a cartoon? Could have fooled me.
Yes, it's pretty. Yes, the forest scenes are stunning, and some of the figure and face CG effects - in particular the Sigourney Weaver avatar - are breathtaking. Too bad the two main characters that you see on-screen the majority of the film - paraplegic Sully (Sam Worthington) and Pocahontas - err, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, SO hot as Uhura in J.J. Abrams stellar relaunch of STAR TREK that my dear gay friend Lee Regnitto has taken notice of her) are not done by the same animator.
It's not that the film is bad, per se. It's just not very good. I know James Cameron isn't exactly the action/sci-fi version of Orson Welles, but ALIENS, the TERMINATOR films, and even THE ABYSS (all of which he borrows from here and there in this film - especially with upgrading Ripley's classic loader armor from ALIENS into its obvious evolutionary step) - all had strong central characters with believable motivations. This one? I'm sorry, but I just don't care about these cartoon characters losing their big tree. And not only did Cameron cherry-pick his own films, but RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE EMERALD FOREST, and even a little bit of the pro-ecology rhetoric from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.
I've read that Sam Worthington, who plays the lead in the film (sort of ), is poised to be the next big action star. I've seen him in two big budget films now - this and TERMINATOR: SALVATION - and the verdict? Meh. He's not bad by any means, but the script for SALVATION was so bad that not even the always-dependable Christian "the mom puncher" Bale couldn't do anything with it. And here, when he's actually in the film, he's ok, but HE'S NOT IN IT! 75% of the movie, he's basically voice acting. Maybe he'll have better material to work with in the upcoming remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS (Liam Neesan says "Release the Kraken"? I'm there!), but somehow I doubt it. The only actor that comes of as remotely memorable is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quaritch, so at least you have a good villain. Lang is one of those actors that causes you to sit there through the entirety of the film saying, "Who is that guy? What have I seen him in?" He's been in a million films and is an accomplished stage actor, but when I finally IMDB'd him , I realized Lang played Maj. Gen. George Pickett in the outstanding - and 4 hour long - GETTYSBURG. Every July 4th, my dad and I settle into my parent's air-conditioned house, brew some coffee, and watch THE WHOLE MOVIE. It's a brilliant film, and I will be reviewing it (no doubt on July 4th, duh).
There's also a Giovanni Ribisi sighting - remember him? He was so damn memorable in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, was well-cast in the modest BOILER ROOM, had memorable moments in COLD MOUNTAIN, LOST IN TRANSLATION (both very good films), and FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (NOT a very good film, but great cast), and then, like Keyser Soze, *poof*, he's gone. He really isn't very good in this film, nor is the dude-in-chick's-flesh Michelle Rodriguez, and poor Wes Studi, so great in films like LAST OF THE MOHICANS, HEAT, and his hilarious (and terribly mysterious) take as The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN (I swear, when he says "You must lash out with every limb like the octopus that plays the drums", I shit my pants with laughter) is underused.
Anyway, bottom line: It's just...ok. It's a pretty video game with very little story, no interesting or relatable characters or actors, and a hammer-you-over-the-head ecological message of the big bad Empire destroying all things beautiful in the name of corporate greed - sorry, for me, it's just big, dumb noise. I know, I know - sometimes, big dumb noise is what you go to a movie to see, and sometimes, I do to. Hey, I like REIGN OF FIRE and John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, ok? I'm ok with big and dumb. I just don't care too much for big and dumb pretending to be big and smart. And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Cartoon people shooting at other cartoon people.
-A big honkin' Ewok tree getting pummeled into oblivion.
-Corporate greed VS. the little man OR The Empire VS. The Ewoks OR cowboys VS. Indians...take your pick
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Michelle Rodriguez's penis, but I tell you, IT'S THERE.
-Wes Studi and CCH Pounder in the flesh.
-Giovanni Ribisi acting like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOuEztXFhL4
...simply painful. Mr. Ribisi did not listen to Lincoln Osiris's advice: NEVER go full retard.
Final grade: C (is for cookie)
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Godfather: dir: Francis Ford Coppola (1972)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my23rf7OOHY (play while reading)
I really did deliberate over what to review for my first of the year (and first of this ridiculous idea) review. Should I start with a classic, such as CITIZEN KANE or CASABLANCA? How 'bout a modern day classic, like JAWS or SCHINDLER'S LIST? A personal favorite, like GLENGARY GLEN ROSS or DISTRICT 9? A guilty pleasure, like BLACK BELT JONES or REIGN OF FIRE (yes, I admit it, I like this movie. McConaughey chews more scenery than the Iron Giant chews heavy metal. Awesome!). Or a fun MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER type of film, like SPACE MUTINY or NUKIE. After swirling these ideas around my head like the Cygnus circling the drain of THE BLACK HOLE, I finally came up with the film that AMC has made a holiday staple, and, in my humble opinion, is the greatest film of the modern age of filmmaking, THE GODFATHER.
Ok, now listen - nothing is going to be said in this missive that hasn't been said a million times. I just FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. I mean, it's one of those movies that, no matter what scene is running when you walk into the living room of your uncle's house on Christmas Day, you are instantly hyp-mo-tyzed into sitting down and watching the rest of the movie, and Buddha help you if THE GODFATHER PART 2 follows. Damn you, AMC!!!!
The rise - and fall - of Michael Corleone from young war hero into his father's son is so wrought with allegory and symbolism that you'd need a year of blogs to chart it. And man, the film doesn't feel over 35 years old (1972, the year of my birth, and most decidedly over 35....dammit). It never fails to shock (I don't care how many times I see it, EVERY TIME Sonny pulls up to that tollbooth I scream "Keep going, you bastard!!"), surprise (the death of Luca Brasi, who, according to the vampire Abe "Fish" Vigoda, "sleeps with the fishes", not the fish) and delight ( the scene where Michael and Enzo the baker scare off the thugs sent to finish off the Don is my favorite scene in the film outside of the "taking care of family business" montage - the juxtaposition of Enzo's shaking hands as he lights his cigarette with Michael's steely calm is the exact moment where you see the trajectory of his life to come). And the theme of family overriding everything - something that Michael ignores, to his eventual emotional downfall (if you acknowledge the existence of a 3rd Godfather movie, which I do not) in THE GODFATHER PART 2 by killing his brother Fredo - is prevalent throughout the film.
And the cast? Yes, it is one of Brando's finest moments, maybe his last great moment (his wacko turn in APOCALYPSE NOW is sort of appropriate but it always feels like it's out of another movie, and I'm sorry, Marlon, I know you practically invented method acting, but it's kryp-TAHN, no KRYP-tin, like lipton, so fuck you and your island and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!). The emergence of Pacino as one of the great actors of all time (even though he aged into a different dude - seriously, look at Pacino in this movie and tell me the old Pacino looks ANYTHING like him. He looks more like his character in DICK TRACY than he does as a yound dude. Weird.), James Caan, post-Boo Radley Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Coppola's sister Talia Shire, Abe "Who wants to live forever" Vigoda and Sterling "precious bodily fluids" Hayden all stand out in their own moments.
Also featured in this cast is one of my favorite actors of all time, the brilliant but dead-before-his-time John Cazale as the ill-fated family retard Fredo. I mean, look at the body of work of this guy before his untimely death from cancer - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, THE CONVERSATION (brilliant scenes with Gene Hackman), DOG DAY AFTERNOON (nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actor), and THE DEER HUNTER, his swan song, in which it's evident in many scenes that the man was on life support. It's heartbreaking to watch, man. During the filming of DEER HUNTER, he became engaged to co-star Meryll Streep, and Streep pretty much saved his role in this film. When the studio found out that Cazale was basically having daily conversations with the Grim Reaper, they wanted director Michael Cimino to fire him. When Streep found out about this, she threatened to quit the film herself (in an oscar-nominated role), so the idiot studio heads relented. Shortly after filming wrapped, Cazale died. Fucking heartbreaking, considering the whole "What if..." scenario. Pacino called him his "acting partner" and could have acted w/him for life. He did more as an actor in 7 or 8 years (5 feature films, ALL nominated for Best Picture, and 3 - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, ironically, THE DEER HUNTER, winning the Oscar) than most actors do in 30 year, or, in the case of ironing boards like Josh Hartnett and Channing Tatum, ever.
Whoops. Sorry to turn this into a blow-fest for Cazale, but I love the man's work. To try to bring things back home, just get on AMC and watch the damn movie, or better yet, get the DVD and just bask in a master director in his prime, a master actor in his last great role, and the emergence of a generation of award-winning actors and actresses. And so, in closing...
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-James Caan banging his big-nosed cousin
-Robert Duvall with more hair than he's had in his life since, including that Nazi dude he played in THE EAGLE HAS LANDED.
-Horse head. Classic.
-Talia Shire before Stallone told her he did it.
-Marlon Brando dying with an orange in his mouth (ah, how art imitates life...)
-Moe Green getting shot through his Buddy Holly glasses
-That old dude at the wedding at the beginning singing that Italian song and doing that nasty-looking move with his hand that no one ever needs to see their great-grandpapa do - you know the part I mean!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-James Caan alive at the end of the movie
-Luca Brasi actually killing anyone, thereby not really living up to his reputation built up by Michael's story at the wedding (though to be fair, it's implied that he light-sabered the ill-fated hors Khartoum's head).
-Diane Keaton's butt (shapely and Woody Allen-ed at this point)
-Marlon Brando's butt (bulgy and cheesecaked at the point)
Final Grade: A+++ = highest mark - that's right, I made it up, so hurray for me and screw you, make your own grade, Mr. Kotter!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my23rf7OOHY (play while reading)
I really did deliberate over what to review for my first of the year (and first of this ridiculous idea) review. Should I start with a classic, such as CITIZEN KANE or CASABLANCA? How 'bout a modern day classic, like JAWS or SCHINDLER'S LIST? A personal favorite, like GLENGARY GLEN ROSS or DISTRICT 9? A guilty pleasure, like BLACK BELT JONES or REIGN OF FIRE (yes, I admit it, I like this movie. McConaughey chews more scenery than the Iron Giant chews heavy metal. Awesome!). Or a fun MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER type of film, like SPACE MUTINY or NUKIE. After swirling these ideas around my head like the Cygnus circling the drain of THE BLACK HOLE, I finally came up with the film that AMC has made a holiday staple, and, in my humble opinion, is the greatest film of the modern age of filmmaking, THE GODFATHER.
Ok, now listen - nothing is going to be said in this missive that hasn't been said a million times. I just FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. I mean, it's one of those movies that, no matter what scene is running when you walk into the living room of your uncle's house on Christmas Day, you are instantly hyp-mo-tyzed into sitting down and watching the rest of the movie, and Buddha help you if THE GODFATHER PART 2 follows. Damn you, AMC!!!!
The rise - and fall - of Michael Corleone from young war hero into his father's son is so wrought with allegory and symbolism that you'd need a year of blogs to chart it. And man, the film doesn't feel over 35 years old (1972, the year of my birth, and most decidedly over 35....dammit). It never fails to shock (I don't care how many times I see it, EVERY TIME Sonny pulls up to that tollbooth I scream "Keep going, you bastard!!"), surprise (the death of Luca Brasi, who, according to the vampire Abe "Fish" Vigoda, "sleeps with the fishes", not the fish) and delight ( the scene where Michael and Enzo the baker scare off the thugs sent to finish off the Don is my favorite scene in the film outside of the "taking care of family business" montage - the juxtaposition of Enzo's shaking hands as he lights his cigarette with Michael's steely calm is the exact moment where you see the trajectory of his life to come). And the theme of family overriding everything - something that Michael ignores, to his eventual emotional downfall (if you acknowledge the existence of a 3rd Godfather movie, which I do not) in THE GODFATHER PART 2 by killing his brother Fredo - is prevalent throughout the film.
And the cast? Yes, it is one of Brando's finest moments, maybe his last great moment (his wacko turn in APOCALYPSE NOW is sort of appropriate but it always feels like it's out of another movie, and I'm sorry, Marlon, I know you practically invented method acting, but it's kryp-TAHN, no KRYP-tin, like lipton, so fuck you and your island and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!). The emergence of Pacino as one of the great actors of all time (even though he aged into a different dude - seriously, look at Pacino in this movie and tell me the old Pacino looks ANYTHING like him. He looks more like his character in DICK TRACY than he does as a yound dude. Weird.), James Caan, post-Boo Radley Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Coppola's sister Talia Shire, Abe "Who wants to live forever" Vigoda and Sterling "precious bodily fluids" Hayden all stand out in their own moments.
Also featured in this cast is one of my favorite actors of all time, the brilliant but dead-before-his-time John Cazale as the ill-fated family retard Fredo. I mean, look at the body of work of this guy before his untimely death from cancer - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, THE CONVERSATION (brilliant scenes with Gene Hackman), DOG DAY AFTERNOON (nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actor), and THE DEER HUNTER, his swan song, in which it's evident in many scenes that the man was on life support. It's heartbreaking to watch, man. During the filming of DEER HUNTER, he became engaged to co-star Meryll Streep, and Streep pretty much saved his role in this film. When the studio found out that Cazale was basically having daily conversations with the Grim Reaper, they wanted director Michael Cimino to fire him. When Streep found out about this, she threatened to quit the film herself (in an oscar-nominated role), so the idiot studio heads relented. Shortly after filming wrapped, Cazale died. Fucking heartbreaking, considering the whole "What if..." scenario. Pacino called him his "acting partner" and could have acted w/him for life. He did more as an actor in 7 or 8 years (5 feature films, ALL nominated for Best Picture, and 3 - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, ironically, THE DEER HUNTER, winning the Oscar) than most actors do in 30 year, or, in the case of ironing boards like Josh Hartnett and Channing Tatum, ever.
Whoops. Sorry to turn this into a blow-fest for Cazale, but I love the man's work. To try to bring things back home, just get on AMC and watch the damn movie, or better yet, get the DVD and just bask in a master director in his prime, a master actor in his last great role, and the emergence of a generation of award-winning actors and actresses. And so, in closing...
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-James Caan banging his big-nosed cousin
-Robert Duvall with more hair than he's had in his life since, including that Nazi dude he played in THE EAGLE HAS LANDED.
-Horse head. Classic.
-Talia Shire before Stallone told her he did it.
-Marlon Brando dying with an orange in his mouth (ah, how art imitates life...)
-Moe Green getting shot through his Buddy Holly glasses
-That old dude at the wedding at the beginning singing that Italian song and doing that nasty-looking move with his hand that no one ever needs to see their great-grandpapa do - you know the part I mean!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-James Caan alive at the end of the movie
-Luca Brasi actually killing anyone, thereby not really living up to his reputation built up by Michael's story at the wedding (though to be fair, it's implied that he light-sabered the ill-fated hors Khartoum's head).
-Diane Keaton's butt (shapely and Woody Allen-ed at this point)
-Marlon Brando's butt (bulgy and cheesecaked at the point)
Final Grade: A+++ = highest mark - that's right, I made it up, so hurray for me and screw you, make your own grade, Mr. Kotter!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
New Years resolution #1: WATCH MOVIES!!!
Well, here we are, a new year upon us. There's something enticing about the whole blank slate quality of the holiday, once you cut past the whole boozing it up/let's see who we can bang tonight quality of the affair (at least for us single folks on the latter part, of course. Or maybe not). In the hopes of not treading into the land of cliche, I'm going to try something for the following year. Yes, like everyone else in the freaking world I want to A) lose weight, B) find my soul-mate (this especially applies to you married folk) and C) do whatever it takes to make a TON of money, even if it means sitting naked on someone's face while spreading goat-lard on their chest (hey, at least I know my limits when it comes to money, and they are FEW...I'm lonely).
So my proposition for this blog: Review 1 movie every day in the year 2010 (the year I make contact...with breasts). Now I'm sure your first reaction would be something like "But, Jim, where do YOU find time to juggle?" Well, in response to that valid query, here are a few ground-rules:
1) I don't have to WATCH one movie per day every day, I just have to write a review for one. Big difference from the watching. I may be an overweight shlub with no chick (not one I'm committed to, anyway...ok, none that are committed to me and that only call at 4 in the morning when they're drunk and their husband is out hunting, ok, fine, but it's better than nothing...weep for me), but I do work (sorry, no mom's basement for me. Like Juliet Lewis in THE OTHER SISTER, I have my own apahtment, ma vewy own apahtment!!...utter trash) and play in a band and...in plays and ... stuff... so I don't have ALL FREAKING DAY to watch movies (Nirvana, my friends. Tell me you haven't watched the special editions of LORD OF THE RINGS straight through from sunup to sundown. Oh, yes. I have...and it's sheer Nirvana). So just the review daily.
2) Obviously, the movies are at my discretion, and there is ABSOLUTELY no rhyme or reason to their choosing. If on a Sunday in June I decide to watch CITIZEN KANE, offering such never-before criticism the likes of which make one cry with gratitude at it's perspicacity that is not unlike a holy epiphany, and then the next day I review GIGLI, well, there it is.
3) The length of the reviews is, of course, my choice, but if you come looking for a review of INDEPENDANCE DAY and simply find the words "PILE OF SHIT" for the review, well, enjoy the extra time spent not reading that review, or simply go watch that "PILE OF SHIT". So yeah, the length will deviate based on a) my passion - good or bad - for the film, b) the amount of Jameson I'm consuming while writing it and c) the frequency of blumkins in my life. Not in that order.
So that's that! As of this moment there are 0! ZERO! readers of this blog, but I'm working on getting some interest from, oh, I don't know, 3 people...maybe 3..ok, 2 people, probably...1. And he's gay, so he's, like, sub-human or something in the eyes of the Lord, Alabama and Republicans, so depending on who you are, it's may be, like, 1/2 a person...I'm gonna go drink some cow's blood now. Save me the aisle seat, bitch!
So my proposition for this blog: Review 1 movie every day in the year 2010 (the year I make contact...with breasts). Now I'm sure your first reaction would be something like "But, Jim, where do YOU find time to juggle?" Well, in response to that valid query, here are a few ground-rules:
1) I don't have to WATCH one movie per day every day, I just have to write a review for one. Big difference from the watching. I may be an overweight shlub with no chick (not one I'm committed to, anyway...ok, none that are committed to me and that only call at 4 in the morning when they're drunk and their husband is out hunting, ok, fine, but it's better than nothing...weep for me), but I do work (sorry, no mom's basement for me. Like Juliet Lewis in THE OTHER SISTER, I have my own apahtment, ma vewy own apahtment!!...utter trash) and play in a band and...in plays and ... stuff... so I don't have ALL FREAKING DAY to watch movies (Nirvana, my friends. Tell me you haven't watched the special editions of LORD OF THE RINGS straight through from sunup to sundown. Oh, yes. I have...and it's sheer Nirvana). So just the review daily.
2) Obviously, the movies are at my discretion, and there is ABSOLUTELY no rhyme or reason to their choosing. If on a Sunday in June I decide to watch CITIZEN KANE, offering such never-before criticism the likes of which make one cry with gratitude at it's perspicacity that is not unlike a holy epiphany, and then the next day I review GIGLI, well, there it is.
3) The length of the reviews is, of course, my choice, but if you come looking for a review of INDEPENDANCE DAY and simply find the words "PILE OF SHIT" for the review, well, enjoy the extra time spent not reading that review, or simply go watch that "PILE OF SHIT". So yeah, the length will deviate based on a) my passion - good or bad - for the film, b) the amount of Jameson I'm consuming while writing it and c) the frequency of blumkins in my life. Not in that order.
So that's that! As of this moment there are 0! ZERO! readers of this blog, but I'm working on getting some interest from, oh, I don't know, 3 people...maybe 3..ok, 2 people, probably...1. And he's gay, so he's, like, sub-human or something in the eyes of the Lord, Alabama and Republicans, so depending on who you are, it's may be, like, 1/2 a person...I'm gonna go drink some cow's blood now. Save me the aisle seat, bitch!
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