Avatar : Dir: James Cameron (2009)

Ok, so this is gonna be a quick one, due to a few factors:

1) My beloved Syracuse University OrangeMAN (that's right, Daryll Gross - OrangeMEN) lost their first game of the season today to an inferior team at home. Hulk Smash!

2) It's 2 degrees outside.

3) My female cat's in heat and trying to piss everywhere, so let's just say there's a quarantine in place in my house right now, and she ain't happy.

So with that in mind, here's my paragraph on the cartoon AVATAR. Oh, wait, it's not a cartoon? Could have fooled me.

Yes, it's pretty. Yes, the forest scenes are stunning, and some of the figure and face CG effects - in particular the Sigourney Weaver avatar - are breathtaking. Too bad the two main characters that you see on-screen the majority of the film - paraplegic Sully (Sam Worthington) and Pocahontas - err, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, SO hot as Uhura in J.J. Abrams stellar relaunch of STAR TREK that my dear gay friend Lee Regnitto has taken notice of her) are not done by the same animator.

It's not that the film is bad, per se. It's just not very good. I know James Cameron isn't exactly the action/sci-fi version of Orson Welles, but ALIENS, the TERMINATOR films, and even THE ABYSS (all of which he borrows from here and there in this film - especially with upgrading Ripley's classic loader armor from ALIENS into its obvious evolutionary step) - all had strong central characters with believable motivations. This one? I'm sorry, but I just don't care about these cartoon characters losing their big tree. And not only did Cameron cherry-pick his own films, but RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE EMERALD FOREST, and even a little bit of the pro-ecology rhetoric from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.

I've read that Sam Worthington, who plays the lead in the film (sort of ), is poised to be the next big action star. I've seen him in two big budget films now - this and TERMINATOR: SALVATION - and the verdict? Meh. He's not bad by any means, but the script for SALVATION was so bad that not even the always-dependable Christian "the mom puncher" Bale couldn't do anything with it. And here, when he's actually in the film, he's ok, but HE'S NOT IN IT! 75% of the movie, he's basically voice acting. Maybe he'll have better material to work with in the upcoming remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS (Liam Neesan says "Release the Kraken"? I'm there!), but somehow I doubt it. The only actor that comes of as remotely memorable is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quaritch, so at least you have a good villain. Lang is one of those actors that causes you to sit there through the entirety of the film saying, "Who is that guy? What have I seen him in?" He's been in a million films and is an accomplished stage actor, but when I finally IMDB'd him , I realized Lang played Maj. Gen. George Pickett in the outstanding - and 4 hour long - GETTYSBURG. Every July 4th, my dad and I settle into my parent's air-conditioned house, brew some coffee, and watch THE WHOLE MOVIE. It's a brilliant film, and I will be reviewing it (no doubt on July 4th, duh).

There's also a Giovanni Ribisi sighting - remember him? He was so damn memorable in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, was well-cast in the modest BOILER ROOM, had memorable moments in COLD MOUNTAIN, LOST IN TRANSLATION (both very good films), and FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (NOT a very good film, but great cast), and then, like Keyser Soze, *poof*, he's gone. He really isn't very good in this film, nor is the dude-in-chick's-flesh Michelle Rodriguez, and poor Wes Studi, so great in films like LAST OF THE MOHICANS, HEAT, and his hilarious (and terribly mysterious) take as The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN (I swear, when he says "You must lash out with every limb like the octopus that plays the drums", I shit my pants with laughter) is underused.

Anyway, bottom line: It's just...ok. It's a pretty video game with very little story, no interesting or relatable characters or actors, and a hammer-you-over-the-head ecological message of the big bad Empire destroying all things beautiful in the name of corporate greed - sorry, for me, it's just big, dumb noise. I know, I know - sometimes, big dumb noise is what you go to a movie to see, and sometimes, I do to. Hey, I like REIGN OF FIRE and John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, ok? I'm ok with big and dumb. I just don't care too much for big and dumb pretending to be big and smart. And so, in closing:

HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:

-Cartoon people shooting at other cartoon people.
-A big honkin' Ewok tree getting pummeled into oblivion.
-Corporate greed VS. the little man OR The Empire VS. The Ewoks OR cowboys VS. Indians...take your pick

HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:

-Michelle Rodriguez's penis, but I tell you, IT'S THERE.
-Wes Studi and CCH Pounder in the flesh.
-Giovanni Ribisi acting like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOuEztXFhL4
...simply painful. Mr. Ribisi did not listen to Lincoln Osiris's advice: NEVER go full retard.

Final grade: C (is for cookie)