I haven't been feeling so hot lately, so the next few reviews are going to be going very sparse. Case in point: other than DISTRICT 9, I think this might be the best film I saw in all of 2009. It's heartbreaking, exciting, nail-biting, tragic, funny, and ultimately, the most thought-provoking film I saw all year. I find it ironic that in a year when Bigelow makes the best entry into the Golden Globes award season, her ex-husband James Cameron wins best picture with the most sub-par film he's ever made. I don't know what kind of relationship the two share now, but she can't be happy about that one.
That's about it. Lame, I know. Just go out and watch the movie. Seriously, it's really, really good. That's all I got. Except that C.J. misses his buddy Greg.
Final grade: A
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
UP - DIR: The fine folks at Pixar (2009)
above: NOT Ed Asner in UP, but close.Ah, yes, the yearly visually-sumptuous Pixar entry arrived, complete with the failsafe formula of the underdogs winning the day/learning the lesson/getting the girl (or losing the girl and getting the Asian-looking cub scout, in this case) that usually involves some gut-busting laughter hand in hand with tear-jerking pathos. And a talking dog. And a dirigible.
Honestly, I just don't feel that jazzed about this one to write too much about it. I mean, yeah, it's good, it's nice looking, there really are some laugh out loud moments, usually involving Doug the talking dog or a big bird swallowing something and spitting it back up, and some moments that make a grown man whimper (as long as he's in a room by himself with no sports equipment/posters/pages/illustrated nearby), but somehow I just didn't really get invested. When I first saw the trailer for the film, I made the false assumption that the old dude in the film lost his wife when the two were very young, thereby setting up the reasons for his crotch-like nature. Nope. They live a long, healthy life together, and then, yeah, she dies. You know what? My grandfather died twenty-five years before my grandmother. IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY!! I just couldn't feel bad for the fact that life got in the way of some promise he made when the two of them were kids and she had Austin Powers-like choppers. And of course, the child in our adventure is a typical Pixar one-parent kid a la the kid in TOY STORY (am I wrong to be sexually attracted to the single mom in TOY STORY? Kill me now) or Nemo in FINDING NEMO. Pixar LOVES divorce and/or death of a spouse! And as soon as the kid mentions a story of sitting on a curb with his dad counting cars, you KNOW how the movie's gonna end. Bleh.
And our villain is...let's face it, lame. Yes, he owns a dirigible. Yes, he has a whole museum of zany shit in said dirigible. Yes, he has an army of talking dogs that can fly bi-planes. But by the time said bi-planes enter the picture ( in the typical beautifully animated edge of your seat climax of a Pixar film ), I'm just apathetic to the whole thing.
The voices are fine. I just finished watching the exemplary JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED t.v. show from Warner Brothers, and whenever I hear Ed Asner, all I hear is him doing the voice of the outrageous Granny Goodness (see above picture - yeah, voiced by Lou freaking Grant = AWESOME!!). Doug the dog comes off the best, but the joke is sort of ruined by the trailer. There's a funny little poop joke (That's right, kids, always shovel the hole BEFORE releasing the Kraken) and I laughed out loud at the "Cone of Shame" (specifically due to my fond memories of my childhood dog Luke wearing that cone after a minor operation), but it just didn't grab me.
I want to set aside a paragraph for the music. As my dear friend the Mysterious Greg O. can attest, in early 2001, I played a game on the PS2 called MEDAL OF HONOR. I was so taken by the music in this game that I ordered the music from the manufacturer (I'm something of a movie soundtrack snob). The music was composed and conducted by a fellow Italian that I'd never heard of: Michael Giacchino. Now, if you know movies or t.v. at all, you know the name, and if not, you know the movies he's scored: T.V.'s ALIAS & LOST; THE INCREDIBLES, MI:3 & the recent STAR TREK reboot (yes - J.J. Abrams does love him, as do I). With this and the STAR TREK scores, I believe he cements himself as THE composer to watch into the next decade. And yes, I was there at the begining. So there.
And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-An old dude fight complete with flying dentures.
-2 tear-jerking montages that would make even the Campbell's chunky beefiest of us tremble like a little girl with a skinned knee.
-A dirigible. You simply can't go wrong with a dirigible.
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Boobies. Actually, you don't really see any chicks in this one, not even those shapeless fatty chicks from WALL-E.
-Funny outtakes. Man, I LOVED these when they did them for A BUG'S LIFE and TOY STORY 2. They were great. There was farting in them. And monkeys.
-Ed Asner naked...and thank Christ for that.
Final grade: B
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
It's been a while, so let's return with....NAZIS!!! YAY!!!
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS - DIR: QUENTIN TARANTINO (2009)
Nothing says holiday cheer quite like a slipped disc. So yes, I know that I made a proclamation at the onset here that I would write a review a day. Well, the best laid plans of mooks and men, eh? Anyway, here's the deal: by the end of the year, I will have 365 reviews on this blog. Whether it's done day after day or I write 365 reviews on December 31st, 2010, that's that. So deal with it, silver daddios!
Anyhoo, while laying on the heating pad that is pretty much permanently affixed to my couch, I did get to catch up on many t.v. shows and films that had been building into a facsimile of the leaning tower of Pisa on my bureau (does anyone use the word bureau anymore? I imagine the youth of today refer to it as a "shelf". Whippersnappers!), some of which will be reviewed here (probably on December 31st, 2010). But how could I even think to write about anything else when Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) and his guerilla army of Nazi-killing Jews (there's a switch, huh?) were among the larger than life characters that graced my t.v. while watching Tarantino's long-awaited WWII opus, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.
Now, I had seen it in the theater, and remember ranting and raving last summer to anyone who would listen (meaning my cats, since I have no friends - why else would I be writing this blog? Weep for me), but I tell you, upon viewing it again - twice - I simply can't wait to see it again. I mean, what's not to like? It's easily Tarantino's most visually stunning piece of work, and as always, his use of Ennio Morricone's music sucks you completely into each and every scene it's used in. And the dialogue is easily the most dynamic it's been since PULP FICTION (apologies to David Carradine's AMAZING monologue about Superman in KILL BILL: VOL 2), and, in my humble opinion, some of the best he's ever written.
It's hard to say that any one scene trumps another, but the first 20 minutes of the film, that quietly take place in a small cabin in 1941 German-occupied France, may be the single most beautiful scene Tarantino has ever filmed. He slowly and expertly builds the tension to the point that you feel your freaking blood pressure going up, and by the time the obvious climax of the scene arrives, you're hiding behind your couch like a scared Brit hiding from a Dalek. It reeks of Hitchcock. The scene in the basement bar is also outstanding, and worth mentioning if only for it's mention of the old German folk hero Old Shatterhand and his faithful Apache companion, Winitou (I wonder if Shatterhand and Winitou preceded the Lone Ranger and Tonto? Maybe this book can tell us: http://www.amazon.com/Operation-Shatterhand-Jake-Page/dp/0345397215/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263414930&sr=8-1 (Gott in himmol, the tag line literally reads: "The Indians lost America once. They are not about to lose it again..." How is it the 'Indians' haven't scalped Jake Page yet?)
As for the actors, Tarantino's films have always had something of an ensemble feel to them, and BASTERDS is no different, with one notable exception: if Christoph Waltz doesn't walk out of this year's Academy Awards with the gold bald dude in his hand, I'll eat my own feces. Simple. As. That. His Col. Hans Landa is one of the greatest screen villains OF ALL TIME. PERIOD. It's on the level of Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lechter performance. Between Waltz's portrayal and Tarantino's dialogue, the character exemplifies on an almost visceral level everything evil about the Nazi's, and it's mesmerizing.
Now I know a lot of people bristled at the alternate history take at the end of the film, and I certainly understand why. (Spoiler!!) As far as our history has taught us (supported by film reels, right? But maybe a look-alike? Hmm...), Hitler wasn't killed in a small movie theater in France in 1944. Personally, I have no problem with this, but I do understand the criticism, if only that it rather jarringly pulls you out of the film as you question the absurdity of it. But once you've seen the film and know the outcome, it actually works quite well within the framework of the story. I mean, let's face it: it's RETURN OF THE JEDI - the Emperor is on the Death Star, so let's blow it up. And do they ever, just after they swiss cheese Hitler all over the place. I mean, they literally RE-LOAD AND CONTINUE TO SHOOT HIM!! Shazam! So ultimately, if I can have footage of Evil Personified getting riddled with a barrage of well-deserved bullets, count me in.
And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Evil Personified getting riddled with a barrage of well-deserved bullets
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Jews getting away with hiding under the floorboards
Final grade: A+
Nothing says holiday cheer quite like a slipped disc. So yes, I know that I made a proclamation at the onset here that I would write a review a day. Well, the best laid plans of mooks and men, eh? Anyway, here's the deal: by the end of the year, I will have 365 reviews on this blog. Whether it's done day after day or I write 365 reviews on December 31st, 2010, that's that. So deal with it, silver daddios!
Anyhoo, while laying on the heating pad that is pretty much permanently affixed to my couch, I did get to catch up on many t.v. shows and films that had been building into a facsimile of the leaning tower of Pisa on my bureau (does anyone use the word bureau anymore? I imagine the youth of today refer to it as a "shelf". Whippersnappers!), some of which will be reviewed here (probably on December 31st, 2010). But how could I even think to write about anything else when Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) and his guerilla army of Nazi-killing Jews (there's a switch, huh?) were among the larger than life characters that graced my t.v. while watching Tarantino's long-awaited WWII opus, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.
Now, I had seen it in the theater, and remember ranting and raving last summer to anyone who would listen (meaning my cats, since I have no friends - why else would I be writing this blog? Weep for me), but I tell you, upon viewing it again - twice - I simply can't wait to see it again. I mean, what's not to like? It's easily Tarantino's most visually stunning piece of work, and as always, his use of Ennio Morricone's music sucks you completely into each and every scene it's used in. And the dialogue is easily the most dynamic it's been since PULP FICTION (apologies to David Carradine's AMAZING monologue about Superman in KILL BILL: VOL 2), and, in my humble opinion, some of the best he's ever written.
It's hard to say that any one scene trumps another, but the first 20 minutes of the film, that quietly take place in a small cabin in 1941 German-occupied France, may be the single most beautiful scene Tarantino has ever filmed. He slowly and expertly builds the tension to the point that you feel your freaking blood pressure going up, and by the time the obvious climax of the scene arrives, you're hiding behind your couch like a scared Brit hiding from a Dalek. It reeks of Hitchcock. The scene in the basement bar is also outstanding, and worth mentioning if only for it's mention of the old German folk hero Old Shatterhand and his faithful Apache companion, Winitou (I wonder if Shatterhand and Winitou preceded the Lone Ranger and Tonto? Maybe this book can tell us: http://www.amazon.com/Operation-Shatterhand-Jake-Page/dp/0345397215/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263414930&sr=8-1 (Gott in himmol, the tag line literally reads: "The Indians lost America once. They are not about to lose it again..." How is it the 'Indians' haven't scalped Jake Page yet?)
As for the actors, Tarantino's films have always had something of an ensemble feel to them, and BASTERDS is no different, with one notable exception: if Christoph Waltz doesn't walk out of this year's Academy Awards with the gold bald dude in his hand, I'll eat my own feces. Simple. As. That. His Col. Hans Landa is one of the greatest screen villains OF ALL TIME. PERIOD. It's on the level of Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lechter performance. Between Waltz's portrayal and Tarantino's dialogue, the character exemplifies on an almost visceral level everything evil about the Nazi's, and it's mesmerizing.
Now I know a lot of people bristled at the alternate history take at the end of the film, and I certainly understand why. (Spoiler!!) As far as our history has taught us (supported by film reels, right? But maybe a look-alike? Hmm...), Hitler wasn't killed in a small movie theater in France in 1944. Personally, I have no problem with this, but I do understand the criticism, if only that it rather jarringly pulls you out of the film as you question the absurdity of it. But once you've seen the film and know the outcome, it actually works quite well within the framework of the story. I mean, let's face it: it's RETURN OF THE JEDI - the Emperor is on the Death Star, so let's blow it up. And do they ever, just after they swiss cheese Hitler all over the place. I mean, they literally RE-LOAD AND CONTINUE TO SHOOT HIM!! Shazam! So ultimately, if I can have footage of Evil Personified getting riddled with a barrage of well-deserved bullets, count me in.
And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Evil Personified getting riddled with a barrage of well-deserved bullets
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Jews getting away with hiding under the floorboards
Final grade: A+
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Ok, so maybe some growing pains here...
Yes, my schedule has made this very tough. As we all know, with any knew operating system, it takes a little bit to iron out the kinks. I WILL be posting a review tomorrow, probably 2, and the cutting room floor 1.0 will give way to the much leaner and meaner 2.0 version once the next few weeks rolls by. So, I will try to maintain the review a day mantra, but if I don't, well, I'm not exactly getting paid for this, and the stuff I am getting paid for has to come first, unfortunately.
Good-night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Good-night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This blog is evolving like ENCINO MAN.
OK, I'd like to add a new feature to the blog. Inspired by the addictive buying machine that is Amazon.com, I'm going to now feature a small "if you liked this movie than try this" type of addendum. For example, after the review proper, you'd see something like this:
IF YOU LIKED "INDEPENDENCE DAY", THEN YOU WOULD PROBABLY LIKE:
-Shoving a razor blade between your toes.
-Cannon-ball into a pool filled with thumb tacks.
-Stick your nostrils together with crazy glue.
-Eat your own corn-ridden fecal matter.
Nuff said? Righto, Guv-nuh!
And so, if you liked "PUBLIC ENEMIES", then you would probably like:
ROAD TO PERDITION (2002) DIR: SAM MENDES
THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987) DIR: BRIAN DE PALMA (make sure you pull a gun if he pulls a knife with this one)
BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967) DIR: ARTHUR PENN
IF YOU LIKED "INDEPENDENCE DAY", THEN YOU WOULD PROBABLY LIKE:
-Shoving a razor blade between your toes.
-Cannon-ball into a pool filled with thumb tacks.
-Stick your nostrils together with crazy glue.
-Eat your own corn-ridden fecal matter.
Nuff said? Righto, Guv-nuh!
And so, if you liked "PUBLIC ENEMIES", then you would probably like:
ROAD TO PERDITION (2002) DIR: SAM MENDES
THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987) DIR: BRIAN DE PALMA (make sure you pull a gun if he pulls a knife with this one)
BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967) DIR: ARTHUR PENN
PUBLIC ENEMIES (2009) - DIR: MICHAEL MANN
So while laying upon my heating pad over the weekend after completely blowing out my back, the decision for a "chill out" type of film came down to three things: the brilliant Marlon Brando film ONE EYED JACKS, the vastly-underrated Warner Brothers JUSTICE LEAGUE cartoon, which I'd match up against any live action show on prime-time t.v. easily, and Michael Mann's biopic on the gangster with the giant penis John Dillinger, PUBLIC ENEMIES. I chose the latter film for one reason and one reason only: I fucking LOVE tommy guns!!
It's easy to see the allure of the gangster era in our country, and Mann certainly illustrates the attraction of that life. When love-of-his-life Billie (Marion Cotillard) asks Dillinger what he wants to do, he responds "Anything I want". Obviously a romantic notion, a notion that is only quantified by the casting of Johnny Depp as Dillinger. Easily one of the most unique and engaging actors of his generation, Depp not only casts his spell on the audience but, as Dillinger, casts a spell on the media, fellow cons and crooks, and even the police and feds in charge of tracking him down. Of course, Mann doesn't hold back on the consequences of following this life, and pretty much everyone in the film on the "wrong" side of the law ends up bloody and broken...and dead!
The cinematography and production need a special mention. The film easily transports the viewer to a time when being a bank robber really was a lucrative career, and the shots of sprawling Chicago banks and dark moodily-lit Indiana air-fields only adds to the atmosphere. It's a shame the film doesn't completely pull you in, but that's through no fault of the look of the film. We never really get behind Dillinger's motivations, and it leaves you with the image in your mind of a postcard from another place with nothing written on the other side. Still, tommy guns!! And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-TOMMY GUNS!!!!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-that piece of oak Channing Tatum in more than a 2 minute roll as Pretty Boy Floyd! Yay for Christian Bale blowing him away in the opening minutes!!!
Final Grade: B+
It's easy to see the allure of the gangster era in our country, and Mann certainly illustrates the attraction of that life. When love-of-his-life Billie (Marion Cotillard) asks Dillinger what he wants to do, he responds "Anything I want". Obviously a romantic notion, a notion that is only quantified by the casting of Johnny Depp as Dillinger. Easily one of the most unique and engaging actors of his generation, Depp not only casts his spell on the audience but, as Dillinger, casts a spell on the media, fellow cons and crooks, and even the police and feds in charge of tracking him down. Of course, Mann doesn't hold back on the consequences of following this life, and pretty much everyone in the film on the "wrong" side of the law ends up bloody and broken...and dead!
The cinematography and production need a special mention. The film easily transports the viewer to a time when being a bank robber really was a lucrative career, and the shots of sprawling Chicago banks and dark moodily-lit Indiana air-fields only adds to the atmosphere. It's a shame the film doesn't completely pull you in, but that's through no fault of the look of the film. We never really get behind Dillinger's motivations, and it leaves you with the image in your mind of a postcard from another place with nothing written on the other side. Still, tommy guns!! And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-TOMMY GUNS!!!!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-that piece of oak Channing Tatum in more than a 2 minute roll as Pretty Boy Floyd! Yay for Christian Bale blowing him away in the opening minutes!!!
Final Grade: B+
Monday, January 4, 2010
Ok, maybe I bit off more than I can chew...
Yes, it's true, no review. Honestly, the only way I could have written one is if I had gotten up at 4 a.m., and, sorry, no way. I have 3 scenes to memorize for a role I have in MACBETH for the Syracuse Shakespeare Fest, and I have to have them done by tomorrow night. So that, coupled with a full day at work and just getting home...well, what can I say, I suck out of the gate.
However...
I will now add one more rule:
If I fail to do a review one day, I have within 7 days to write an extra one.
That's right, I'm making these rules up as I go along. Kiss my hairy Italian butt if you don't like it. And just think, this week you're gonna get 2 reviews IN ONE DAY! Holy horseballs, what a deal!!
Goodnight.
However...
I will now add one more rule:
If I fail to do a review one day, I have within 7 days to write an extra one.
That's right, I'm making these rules up as I go along. Kiss my hairy Italian butt if you don't like it. And just think, this week you're gonna get 2 reviews IN ONE DAY! Holy horseballs, what a deal!!
Goodnight.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Independence Day: Dir: Roland Emmerich (1997)
Yes, it's true. I'm going to this one this early. Does not bode well for the next 362 days.
This movie is a pile of crap.
Please explain to me how a 1994 Mac Powerbook can not only interface with a centuries-advanced computer system, but download a virus, no less, that crashes said centuries-advanced computer system into the boot-up screen of a Commodore 64 or, possibly, a Vectrex gaming system. Go ahead. I dare you.
As soon as someone does this for me, I will write a well-thought out review of this piece of dog crap. I will not hold my breath, because if I did, I would die.
Thank you, and good-night.
This movie is a pile of crap.
Please explain to me how a 1994 Mac Powerbook can not only interface with a centuries-advanced computer system, but download a virus, no less, that crashes said centuries-advanced computer system into the boot-up screen of a Commodore 64 or, possibly, a Vectrex gaming system. Go ahead. I dare you.
As soon as someone does this for me, I will write a well-thought out review of this piece of dog crap. I will not hold my breath, because if I did, I would die.
Thank you, and good-night.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Avatar : Dir: James Cameron (2009)
Ok, so this is gonna be a quick one, due to a few factors:
1) My beloved Syracuse University OrangeMAN (that's right, Daryll Gross - OrangeMEN) lost their first game of the season today to an inferior team at home. Hulk Smash!
2) It's 2 degrees outside.
3) My female cat's in heat and trying to piss everywhere, so let's just say there's a quarantine in place in my house right now, and she ain't happy.
So with that in mind, here's my paragraph on the cartoon AVATAR. Oh, wait, it's not a cartoon? Could have fooled me.
Yes, it's pretty. Yes, the forest scenes are stunning, and some of the figure and face CG effects - in particular the Sigourney Weaver avatar - are breathtaking. Too bad the two main characters that you see on-screen the majority of the film - paraplegic Sully (Sam Worthington) and Pocahontas - err, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, SO hot as Uhura in J.J. Abrams stellar relaunch of STAR TREK that my dear gay friend Lee Regnitto has taken notice of her) are not done by the same animator.
It's not that the film is bad, per se. It's just not very good. I know James Cameron isn't exactly the action/sci-fi version of Orson Welles, but ALIENS, the TERMINATOR films, and even THE ABYSS (all of which he borrows from here and there in this film - especially with upgrading Ripley's classic loader armor from ALIENS into its obvious evolutionary step) - all had strong central characters with believable motivations. This one? I'm sorry, but I just don't care about these cartoon characters losing their big tree. And not only did Cameron cherry-pick his own films, but RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE EMERALD FOREST, and even a little bit of the pro-ecology rhetoric from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.
I've read that Sam Worthington, who plays the lead in the film (sort of ), is poised to be the next big action star. I've seen him in two big budget films now - this and TERMINATOR: SALVATION - and the verdict? Meh. He's not bad by any means, but the script for SALVATION was so bad that not even the always-dependable Christian "the mom puncher" Bale couldn't do anything with it. And here, when he's actually in the film, he's ok, but HE'S NOT IN IT! 75% of the movie, he's basically voice acting. Maybe he'll have better material to work with in the upcoming remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS (Liam Neesan says "Release the Kraken"? I'm there!), but somehow I doubt it. The only actor that comes of as remotely memorable is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quaritch, so at least you have a good villain. Lang is one of those actors that causes you to sit there through the entirety of the film saying, "Who is that guy? What have I seen him in?" He's been in a million films and is an accomplished stage actor, but when I finally IMDB'd him , I realized Lang played Maj. Gen. George Pickett in the outstanding - and 4 hour long - GETTYSBURG. Every July 4th, my dad and I settle into my parent's air-conditioned house, brew some coffee, and watch THE WHOLE MOVIE. It's a brilliant film, and I will be reviewing it (no doubt on July 4th, duh).
There's also a Giovanni Ribisi sighting - remember him? He was so damn memorable in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, was well-cast in the modest BOILER ROOM, had memorable moments in COLD MOUNTAIN, LOST IN TRANSLATION (both very good films), and FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (NOT a very good film, but great cast), and then, like Keyser Soze, *poof*, he's gone. He really isn't very good in this film, nor is the dude-in-chick's-flesh Michelle Rodriguez, and poor Wes Studi, so great in films like LAST OF THE MOHICANS, HEAT, and his hilarious (and terribly mysterious) take as The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN (I swear, when he says "You must lash out with every limb like the octopus that plays the drums", I shit my pants with laughter) is underused.
Anyway, bottom line: It's just...ok. It's a pretty video game with very little story, no interesting or relatable characters or actors, and a hammer-you-over-the-head ecological message of the big bad Empire destroying all things beautiful in the name of corporate greed - sorry, for me, it's just big, dumb noise. I know, I know - sometimes, big dumb noise is what you go to a movie to see, and sometimes, I do to. Hey, I like REIGN OF FIRE and John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, ok? I'm ok with big and dumb. I just don't care too much for big and dumb pretending to be big and smart. And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Cartoon people shooting at other cartoon people.
-A big honkin' Ewok tree getting pummeled into oblivion.
-Corporate greed VS. the little man OR The Empire VS. The Ewoks OR cowboys VS. Indians...take your pick
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Michelle Rodriguez's penis, but I tell you, IT'S THERE.
-Wes Studi and CCH Pounder in the flesh.
-Giovanni Ribisi acting like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOuEztXFhL4
...simply painful. Mr. Ribisi did not listen to Lincoln Osiris's advice: NEVER go full retard.
Final grade: C (is for cookie)
1) My beloved Syracuse University OrangeMAN (that's right, Daryll Gross - OrangeMEN) lost their first game of the season today to an inferior team at home. Hulk Smash!
2) It's 2 degrees outside.
3) My female cat's in heat and trying to piss everywhere, so let's just say there's a quarantine in place in my house right now, and she ain't happy.
So with that in mind, here's my paragraph on the cartoon AVATAR. Oh, wait, it's not a cartoon? Could have fooled me.
Yes, it's pretty. Yes, the forest scenes are stunning, and some of the figure and face CG effects - in particular the Sigourney Weaver avatar - are breathtaking. Too bad the two main characters that you see on-screen the majority of the film - paraplegic Sully (Sam Worthington) and Pocahontas - err, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, SO hot as Uhura in J.J. Abrams stellar relaunch of STAR TREK that my dear gay friend Lee Regnitto has taken notice of her) are not done by the same animator.
It's not that the film is bad, per se. It's just not very good. I know James Cameron isn't exactly the action/sci-fi version of Orson Welles, but ALIENS, the TERMINATOR films, and even THE ABYSS (all of which he borrows from here and there in this film - especially with upgrading Ripley's classic loader armor from ALIENS into its obvious evolutionary step) - all had strong central characters with believable motivations. This one? I'm sorry, but I just don't care about these cartoon characters losing their big tree. And not only did Cameron cherry-pick his own films, but RETURN OF THE JEDI, THE EMERALD FOREST, and even a little bit of the pro-ecology rhetoric from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.
I've read that Sam Worthington, who plays the lead in the film (sort of ), is poised to be the next big action star. I've seen him in two big budget films now - this and TERMINATOR: SALVATION - and the verdict? Meh. He's not bad by any means, but the script for SALVATION was so bad that not even the always-dependable Christian "the mom puncher" Bale couldn't do anything with it. And here, when he's actually in the film, he's ok, but HE'S NOT IN IT! 75% of the movie, he's basically voice acting. Maybe he'll have better material to work with in the upcoming remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS (Liam Neesan says "Release the Kraken"? I'm there!), but somehow I doubt it. The only actor that comes of as remotely memorable is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quaritch, so at least you have a good villain. Lang is one of those actors that causes you to sit there through the entirety of the film saying, "Who is that guy? What have I seen him in?" He's been in a million films and is an accomplished stage actor, but when I finally IMDB'd him , I realized Lang played Maj. Gen. George Pickett in the outstanding - and 4 hour long - GETTYSBURG. Every July 4th, my dad and I settle into my parent's air-conditioned house, brew some coffee, and watch THE WHOLE MOVIE. It's a brilliant film, and I will be reviewing it (no doubt on July 4th, duh).
There's also a Giovanni Ribisi sighting - remember him? He was so damn memorable in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, was well-cast in the modest BOILER ROOM, had memorable moments in COLD MOUNTAIN, LOST IN TRANSLATION (both very good films), and FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (NOT a very good film, but great cast), and then, like Keyser Soze, *poof*, he's gone. He really isn't very good in this film, nor is the dude-in-chick's-flesh Michelle Rodriguez, and poor Wes Studi, so great in films like LAST OF THE MOHICANS, HEAT, and his hilarious (and terribly mysterious) take as The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN (I swear, when he says "You must lash out with every limb like the octopus that plays the drums", I shit my pants with laughter) is underused.
Anyway, bottom line: It's just...ok. It's a pretty video game with very little story, no interesting or relatable characters or actors, and a hammer-you-over-the-head ecological message of the big bad Empire destroying all things beautiful in the name of corporate greed - sorry, for me, it's just big, dumb noise. I know, I know - sometimes, big dumb noise is what you go to a movie to see, and sometimes, I do to. Hey, I like REIGN OF FIRE and John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, ok? I'm ok with big and dumb. I just don't care too much for big and dumb pretending to be big and smart. And so, in closing:
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-Cartoon people shooting at other cartoon people.
-A big honkin' Ewok tree getting pummeled into oblivion.
-Corporate greed VS. the little man OR The Empire VS. The Ewoks OR cowboys VS. Indians...take your pick
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-Michelle Rodriguez's penis, but I tell you, IT'S THERE.
-Wes Studi and CCH Pounder in the flesh.
-Giovanni Ribisi acting like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOuEztXFhL4
...simply painful. Mr. Ribisi did not listen to Lincoln Osiris's advice: NEVER go full retard.
Final grade: C (is for cookie)
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Godfather: dir: Francis Ford Coppola (1972)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my23rf7OOHY (play while reading)
I really did deliberate over what to review for my first of the year (and first of this ridiculous idea) review. Should I start with a classic, such as CITIZEN KANE or CASABLANCA? How 'bout a modern day classic, like JAWS or SCHINDLER'S LIST? A personal favorite, like GLENGARY GLEN ROSS or DISTRICT 9? A guilty pleasure, like BLACK BELT JONES or REIGN OF FIRE (yes, I admit it, I like this movie. McConaughey chews more scenery than the Iron Giant chews heavy metal. Awesome!). Or a fun MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER type of film, like SPACE MUTINY or NUKIE. After swirling these ideas around my head like the Cygnus circling the drain of THE BLACK HOLE, I finally came up with the film that AMC has made a holiday staple, and, in my humble opinion, is the greatest film of the modern age of filmmaking, THE GODFATHER.
Ok, now listen - nothing is going to be said in this missive that hasn't been said a million times. I just FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. I mean, it's one of those movies that, no matter what scene is running when you walk into the living room of your uncle's house on Christmas Day, you are instantly hyp-mo-tyzed into sitting down and watching the rest of the movie, and Buddha help you if THE GODFATHER PART 2 follows. Damn you, AMC!!!!
The rise - and fall - of Michael Corleone from young war hero into his father's son is so wrought with allegory and symbolism that you'd need a year of blogs to chart it. And man, the film doesn't feel over 35 years old (1972, the year of my birth, and most decidedly over 35....dammit). It never fails to shock (I don't care how many times I see it, EVERY TIME Sonny pulls up to that tollbooth I scream "Keep going, you bastard!!"), surprise (the death of Luca Brasi, who, according to the vampire Abe "Fish" Vigoda, "sleeps with the fishes", not the fish) and delight ( the scene where Michael and Enzo the baker scare off the thugs sent to finish off the Don is my favorite scene in the film outside of the "taking care of family business" montage - the juxtaposition of Enzo's shaking hands as he lights his cigarette with Michael's steely calm is the exact moment where you see the trajectory of his life to come). And the theme of family overriding everything - something that Michael ignores, to his eventual emotional downfall (if you acknowledge the existence of a 3rd Godfather movie, which I do not) in THE GODFATHER PART 2 by killing his brother Fredo - is prevalent throughout the film.
And the cast? Yes, it is one of Brando's finest moments, maybe his last great moment (his wacko turn in APOCALYPSE NOW is sort of appropriate but it always feels like it's out of another movie, and I'm sorry, Marlon, I know you practically invented method acting, but it's kryp-TAHN, no KRYP-tin, like lipton, so fuck you and your island and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!). The emergence of Pacino as one of the great actors of all time (even though he aged into a different dude - seriously, look at Pacino in this movie and tell me the old Pacino looks ANYTHING like him. He looks more like his character in DICK TRACY than he does as a yound dude. Weird.), James Caan, post-Boo Radley Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Coppola's sister Talia Shire, Abe "Who wants to live forever" Vigoda and Sterling "precious bodily fluids" Hayden all stand out in their own moments.
Also featured in this cast is one of my favorite actors of all time, the brilliant but dead-before-his-time John Cazale as the ill-fated family retard Fredo. I mean, look at the body of work of this guy before his untimely death from cancer - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, THE CONVERSATION (brilliant scenes with Gene Hackman), DOG DAY AFTERNOON (nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actor), and THE DEER HUNTER, his swan song, in which it's evident in many scenes that the man was on life support. It's heartbreaking to watch, man. During the filming of DEER HUNTER, he became engaged to co-star Meryll Streep, and Streep pretty much saved his role in this film. When the studio found out that Cazale was basically having daily conversations with the Grim Reaper, they wanted director Michael Cimino to fire him. When Streep found out about this, she threatened to quit the film herself (in an oscar-nominated role), so the idiot studio heads relented. Shortly after filming wrapped, Cazale died. Fucking heartbreaking, considering the whole "What if..." scenario. Pacino called him his "acting partner" and could have acted w/him for life. He did more as an actor in 7 or 8 years (5 feature films, ALL nominated for Best Picture, and 3 - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, ironically, THE DEER HUNTER, winning the Oscar) than most actors do in 30 year, or, in the case of ironing boards like Josh Hartnett and Channing Tatum, ever.
Whoops. Sorry to turn this into a blow-fest for Cazale, but I love the man's work. To try to bring things back home, just get on AMC and watch the damn movie, or better yet, get the DVD and just bask in a master director in his prime, a master actor in his last great role, and the emergence of a generation of award-winning actors and actresses. And so, in closing...
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-James Caan banging his big-nosed cousin
-Robert Duvall with more hair than he's had in his life since, including that Nazi dude he played in THE EAGLE HAS LANDED.
-Horse head. Classic.
-Talia Shire before Stallone told her he did it.
-Marlon Brando dying with an orange in his mouth (ah, how art imitates life...)
-Moe Green getting shot through his Buddy Holly glasses
-That old dude at the wedding at the beginning singing that Italian song and doing that nasty-looking move with his hand that no one ever needs to see their great-grandpapa do - you know the part I mean!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-James Caan alive at the end of the movie
-Luca Brasi actually killing anyone, thereby not really living up to his reputation built up by Michael's story at the wedding (though to be fair, it's implied that he light-sabered the ill-fated hors Khartoum's head).
-Diane Keaton's butt (shapely and Woody Allen-ed at this point)
-Marlon Brando's butt (bulgy and cheesecaked at the point)
Final Grade: A+++ = highest mark - that's right, I made it up, so hurray for me and screw you, make your own grade, Mr. Kotter!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my23rf7OOHY (play while reading)
I really did deliberate over what to review for my first of the year (and first of this ridiculous idea) review. Should I start with a classic, such as CITIZEN KANE or CASABLANCA? How 'bout a modern day classic, like JAWS or SCHINDLER'S LIST? A personal favorite, like GLENGARY GLEN ROSS or DISTRICT 9? A guilty pleasure, like BLACK BELT JONES or REIGN OF FIRE (yes, I admit it, I like this movie. McConaughey chews more scenery than the Iron Giant chews heavy metal. Awesome!). Or a fun MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER type of film, like SPACE MUTINY or NUKIE. After swirling these ideas around my head like the Cygnus circling the drain of THE BLACK HOLE, I finally came up with the film that AMC has made a holiday staple, and, in my humble opinion, is the greatest film of the modern age of filmmaking, THE GODFATHER.
Ok, now listen - nothing is going to be said in this missive that hasn't been said a million times. I just FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. I mean, it's one of those movies that, no matter what scene is running when you walk into the living room of your uncle's house on Christmas Day, you are instantly hyp-mo-tyzed into sitting down and watching the rest of the movie, and Buddha help you if THE GODFATHER PART 2 follows. Damn you, AMC!!!!
The rise - and fall - of Michael Corleone from young war hero into his father's son is so wrought with allegory and symbolism that you'd need a year of blogs to chart it. And man, the film doesn't feel over 35 years old (1972, the year of my birth, and most decidedly over 35....dammit). It never fails to shock (I don't care how many times I see it, EVERY TIME Sonny pulls up to that tollbooth I scream "Keep going, you bastard!!"), surprise (the death of Luca Brasi, who, according to the vampire Abe "Fish" Vigoda, "sleeps with the fishes", not the fish) and delight ( the scene where Michael and Enzo the baker scare off the thugs sent to finish off the Don is my favorite scene in the film outside of the "taking care of family business" montage - the juxtaposition of Enzo's shaking hands as he lights his cigarette with Michael's steely calm is the exact moment where you see the trajectory of his life to come). And the theme of family overriding everything - something that Michael ignores, to his eventual emotional downfall (if you acknowledge the existence of a 3rd Godfather movie, which I do not) in THE GODFATHER PART 2 by killing his brother Fredo - is prevalent throughout the film.
And the cast? Yes, it is one of Brando's finest moments, maybe his last great moment (his wacko turn in APOCALYPSE NOW is sort of appropriate but it always feels like it's out of another movie, and I'm sorry, Marlon, I know you practically invented method acting, but it's kryp-TAHN, no KRYP-tin, like lipton, so fuck you and your island and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!). The emergence of Pacino as one of the great actors of all time (even though he aged into a different dude - seriously, look at Pacino in this movie and tell me the old Pacino looks ANYTHING like him. He looks more like his character in DICK TRACY than he does as a yound dude. Weird.), James Caan, post-Boo Radley Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Coppola's sister Talia Shire, Abe "Who wants to live forever" Vigoda and Sterling "precious bodily fluids" Hayden all stand out in their own moments.
Also featured in this cast is one of my favorite actors of all time, the brilliant but dead-before-his-time John Cazale as the ill-fated family retard Fredo. I mean, look at the body of work of this guy before his untimely death from cancer - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, THE CONVERSATION (brilliant scenes with Gene Hackman), DOG DAY AFTERNOON (nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actor), and THE DEER HUNTER, his swan song, in which it's evident in many scenes that the man was on life support. It's heartbreaking to watch, man. During the filming of DEER HUNTER, he became engaged to co-star Meryll Streep, and Streep pretty much saved his role in this film. When the studio found out that Cazale was basically having daily conversations with the Grim Reaper, they wanted director Michael Cimino to fire him. When Streep found out about this, she threatened to quit the film herself (in an oscar-nominated role), so the idiot studio heads relented. Shortly after filming wrapped, Cazale died. Fucking heartbreaking, considering the whole "What if..." scenario. Pacino called him his "acting partner" and could have acted w/him for life. He did more as an actor in 7 or 8 years (5 feature films, ALL nominated for Best Picture, and 3 - THE GODFATHERS 1 & 2, ironically, THE DEER HUNTER, winning the Oscar) than most actors do in 30 year, or, in the case of ironing boards like Josh Hartnett and Channing Tatum, ever.
Whoops. Sorry to turn this into a blow-fest for Cazale, but I love the man's work. To try to bring things back home, just get on AMC and watch the damn movie, or better yet, get the DVD and just bask in a master director in his prime, a master actor in his last great role, and the emergence of a generation of award-winning actors and actresses. And so, in closing...
HERE'S WHAT YOU WILL SEE:
-James Caan banging his big-nosed cousin
-Robert Duvall with more hair than he's had in his life since, including that Nazi dude he played in THE EAGLE HAS LANDED.
-Horse head. Classic.
-Talia Shire before Stallone told her he did it.
-Marlon Brando dying with an orange in his mouth (ah, how art imitates life...)
-Moe Green getting shot through his Buddy Holly glasses
-That old dude at the wedding at the beginning singing that Italian song and doing that nasty-looking move with his hand that no one ever needs to see their great-grandpapa do - you know the part I mean!
HERE'S WHAT YOU WON'T SEE:
-James Caan alive at the end of the movie
-Luca Brasi actually killing anyone, thereby not really living up to his reputation built up by Michael's story at the wedding (though to be fair, it's implied that he light-sabered the ill-fated hors Khartoum's head).
-Diane Keaton's butt (shapely and Woody Allen-ed at this point)
-Marlon Brando's butt (bulgy and cheesecaked at the point)
Final Grade: A+++ = highest mark - that's right, I made it up, so hurray for me and screw you, make your own grade, Mr. Kotter!
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